I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
