We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
