im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
