that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
