I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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