you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
