All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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