she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
