I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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