Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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