i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I want to be your penis for a week.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
