this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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