Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
