my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize