the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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