You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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