Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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