I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So much rum. So many feels.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
