She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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