ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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