i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
