watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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