I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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