I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
