i just had sex bonerless
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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