I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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