capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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