His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize