my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
