I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
