I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
