Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
