His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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