Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize