bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
