I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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