Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
