Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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