I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
