I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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