brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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