God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
