She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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