a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
