Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
