Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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