Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
