once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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