Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
