i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
