I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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