My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
