While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
