speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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