I wish I could teleport
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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