The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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