oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
