Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize