I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
