I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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