woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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