All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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