I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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