apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
