Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
