You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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