This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
