I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
