i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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