this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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